The Five Periods We All Experience
When it comes to periods, we know that we’re all different, babe. Maybe you have a five day bleed every 28 days that you can time to the hour, or you get killer cramps that have you reaching for the CBD oil (spoiler alert: CBD oil is our newest crush for dealing with period pain and oh so much more!). But while everyone’s got their own quirks, there are some periods we’ve all been through. At OHNE we love a good period story, so grab a cuppa, it’s time to talk about five notorious periods that stay with us forever, even if it’s not always for the best reasons…
The First One
Whether you were an early starter or the last straggler, first periods require a certain amount of ceremony. Equipped with the free sample pad you got from sex education, you would keep an eye out for that first red petal in your underwear, sure to be accompanied by Neil Diamond crooning, girl, you’ll be a woman soon… though, ideally, not in the stall with you. Of course when that first period actually arrived it was more likely a mud-like smear and Neil Diamond was entirely absent as you tried to get those fiddly wings on the sanitary towel to stick to your knickers without it bunching up and giving you a wedgie. The main benefit was you now had a good excuse to get out of PE, unless you had one of those teachers who insisted that exercise could ease cramps. Exercise, sure. Running around the hockey field while a cold December wind blows up your gym pants? Not so much.
This period normally waits until you’re lulled into a false sense of security about how to manage your monthly bleed. Then it pounces, out of nowhere, and at the worst possible time. You could be in an exam, trying to smooth talk your way through an interview, or wowing your team with a presentation, when you feel that telltale wetness between your legs. Completely unprepared, there’s nothing you can do except try to find an opportunity to excuse yourself to the bathroom. Then you’re back like nothing has happened to carry on bossing it, pretending the wad of toilet paper packed into your knickers isn’t the only thing preventing your day from turning full on Carrie. And speaking of Carrie…
The Night Murderer
Your alarm goes off. You open your eyes. It’s a beautiful day. Sunlight streams through the windows, the birds are singing, and you’re sitting in a pool of your own blood. Did you remember to put down a waterproof cover like your mum warned you to? Maybe, but let’s face it, the mattress is probably ruined and will now have to be burned. And those cute little silk pyjamas you like so much? They look like you committed a really weird murder in them. Cancel all plans when the night murderer comes. You’ll spend the day Googling how to remove blood stains, make your whole apartment smell of vinegar trying out the ‘weird tips’, and then give up and chuck it all in the bin. Farewell silk pyjamas. I barely knew ye.
The One You Were Worried Wouldn’t Come
“My period’s late – maybe I’m pregnant!” It’s the kind of joke that’s funny for an eighth of a second, before an ice-cold fear takes over. Sure, you might not have had any action in months, or, come of think of it, ever, but immaculate conception starts to feel like a real possibility. Was that indigestion last week, or the feeling of implantation? For all you know, it’s one of those hidden pregnancies you’ve seen on MTV and the baby is gonna drop any minute. As you comfort eat ice cream to calm down (surely your first pregnancy craving) you go through all the possible pregnancy symptoms on WebMD and decide to order a test from Amazon so you’ll know for sure. Of course by the time it arrives, your period probably has too.
The One You’re Totally Prepared For
Once in a while, the stars align. Your cycle tracking app notifies you the day before, your menstrual cup is sterilised, your back up pads are ready to go, and your organic OHNE tampon subscription arrives through your letterbox right on time. You swan around during the days of your period feeling smug and well-prepared as you win in all aspects of your life, while simultaneously executing a flawlessly organised bleed. Learn to salsa. Ride a unicycle through the park. Deliver a TED talk. Anything is possible.
Experienced one of these periods, or think we missed one out? Drop us a comment, we love a good chat. And, if you’re ready to take your period to the next level, find out how you can get our 100% organic tampons delivered to your door every month.
Header image: @wearehappyperiod
Sarah is a keen over-sharer whose main PMS symptom is a growing resentment towards SUV drivers. She is, at all times, ready to argue that Digimon was a superior anime to Pokémon. Despite being British she is still not over the 2016 US election. Catch her blogging on modern career guidance here.
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