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I’ve always been emotionally charged ever since I can remember. I’m pretty sure I had sass as soon as I could talk and it basically hasn’t changed. I cry at everything – adverts, the radio, and the second I see anyone else crying. Most days, I am one big bag of hormones ready to bubble over or crumble into a heap.
Recent examples include when the toilet roll holder fell off the wall and I honestly thought the world had stopped spinning, or the time when the husband broke a zip on a sofa cushion and I was ready to head straight to the nearest divorce solicitor. One thing I’m sure my husband would tell you is that living with me is certainly never boring!
Nothing will tip you over the edge of hormonal chaos like trying for a baby. Nothing at all. A week of PMS when you’re already trying for a baby is, quite honestly, hell. Minutes tick by like hours. One week before your period, when you are waiting to see whether that blue line will appear (because you absolutely nailed it this month, everything was perfect and there was no way it HADN’T worked, right?) every little thing feels enormous and your emotions are at an all-time high.
You are already going to the toilet obsessively – am I feeling wet, am I wet? Is this cervical mucus or is it my period? Am I bleeding? Do I go to the toilet to check now or should I wait? I did check only 20 minutes ago. I’ll go now. No, I’ll wait. But I can’t wait because I need to know. Am I pregnant, am I? And… repeat. Every bloody day.
Then on one of those trips to the toilet you wipe and there it is, blood. A tiny streak of red blood. One small streak of red blood on a tiny piece of tissue can destroy your prayers, hopes, and dreams. Your heart beats faster, your hands get clammy and you collapse on the floor, tears rolling – there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Your uterus is empty – it isn’t supporting a new life and you suddenly feel an emptiness you can’t put into words.
Having fertility treatment ramps this rollercoaster up even further. We went through 6 treatments for our second baby (or, I should say, babies, because we had twins – a BOGOF offer, £20k later). Every fail was ramped up with the hormones you are pumping into your body.
One day, when I thought we would never have another child after having success with the first, I screamed at my husband that I couldn’t cope any more, that life will never be as I imagined and promptly threw the plastic drainer I was holding onto the floor. It skidded across and smashed on the one side. We kept it for two more years, a reminder of how far we had come since the day I threw it and left the house to sit on the rolling hills of the local 100 acre wood with tears pouring and guilt bubbling.
The treatments worked in the end and we now have three children. After leaving our fertility in the past and finally my hormones settling post children and breastfeeding, I am definitely learning to work with my cycle, rather than against it. I am learning to listen to my body and know that if I am feeling more tired, upset, and wild than usual, I must take a step back and meditate, do some yoga, or eat a more nourishing meal. Working with my cycle rather than against it has definitely been a game changer after years of struggling through the months rather than flowing with the peaks and pits.
Yours hormonally, Naomi
ohne Community Experience