They’re not pretty, occasionally call for swift and morally-challenging executive decisions (Cold water! Cold water! Not for the bloody cushion you lettuce – my Levis…they’re vintage!) and, depending on the company you’re in, can make you feel like flying off the treadmill on your arse in the gym at peak time would be preferable. But we figure they happen to everyone – I mean, probably even Beyoncé has to deal with them…probably. So today we’re embracing the leak in all its many forms, celebrating the awkwardness of being caught out when you’re OHNE, and taking comfort in the fact that at least, when you’re safely with your girlfriends – and after several glasses of wine – you’ll (hopefully?) laugh about it…and, if nothing else, at least you’ve moved up a rank in the period-story war.
The sudden gush
Yup, we’re talking about the moment when all is well, just peachy, and then, without warning, you get that instant, mid-sentence shock, and it doesn’t matter if you’re talking to a board room or reciting your coffee order at the till, someone could ask you your middle name and in that precise moment you wouldn’t have a fucking clue, because you’re too preoccupied with calculating for what reason and how quickly you can excuse yourself from the current situation without making it look like you’ve had a flash onset of explosive, chronic diarrhea. And then the run-hobble to the bathroom. Nope, I’m not battling haemorrhoids, just trying to contain the damage before both my inner thighs are slick with menstrual gore. Baby wipes, anyone? Anyone?! (Surely, it’s time to make period gush a medical term?)
The naked drip
Stepping, with a powerful, self-satisfied sigh, out of the shower at your boyfriend’s parents’ house on your first weekend stay with them, you’re thinking it’s all going pretty well – no awkward silences so far – when, for no logical reason, slightly watery period blood comes dripping out of you at a speed and volume never before witnessed, but which has nevertheless now made their Egyptian cotton, deep ply, cream (why are they always cream?!) bathmat look like a butcher’s hand towel. Well, fuck me backwards…Thank you, Uterus, thanks a bloody bunch.
When you’re lying down and it’s as if being horizontal makes you feel like you’re not bleeding at all (I mean, gravity’s a thing – right?). This, ladies, is the danger of sleep leakage. You’re fully prepped for the night ahead. You’ve been to the toilet three times in half an hour, clean PJ’s on, fresh tampon in, maybe even a liner as a backup? You wake up, all feels pretty normal, hurrah! It’s only when you throw back the duvet that you discover a huge dried stain resembling the exact shape of South America which has not only devastated your sheets, but seeped right through to the mattress protector, which is now a wasteland of half-removed rusty blotches in memory of every period that came before. Curiously, somehow that back-up pantyliner is almost entirely unblemished….Siri, Google dried period blood stain removal.
We’re not sure which is worse…the sudden gush when you know that some serious shit’s gone down, or the sneaky leak that you don’t even realise is a thing until someone, ahem, has to, erm, point out you’ve left a small but definitely noticeable stain on their sofa. Who are we kidding, that’s worse. Definitely.
Accidental period sex
So, we’re all for some well-prepared-for period sex. But the serious leakage that happens when you think you’ve got one more free pass before it arrives, only to find that your unsuspecting partner (and bed) are now totally covered? We’re feeling that less…buuut, on the other hand, “follow me to the shower” has always been one of the best lines.
So, the next time you get the dreaded leak, get cleaned up and on with your day. We’ve all been there, you won’t achieve anything by blushing about it for too long. (But yes, it totally justifies gin before 6).
Image credit: Alena Shekhovtcova from Pexels